Shaking Off the Glitter

Why is it that most brides pick themselves apart in their wedding photos? Even if we do it in jest as Lyn of Another Damn Wedding did about a week ago? Do we really have such little self esteem that we feel the need to batter ourselves before others do?

For a brief moment, let's assume this picking, this jesting, is meant in good fun. What message does that send to future brides? Is the goal of wedding photography really to have all images appear as if they've been taken of models at a photo shoot and not of real people at a live event?

When I was a bride-to-be, I looked to various blogs as encouragement - as Elizabeth of Happy Sighs (aka Liz of Chic on the Cheap) asked future brides to view her wedding blog. Rather than poke fun at her wedding photos, she was honest, I don't have glamorous getting ready shots. Because, surprisingly, I don't look so great while I'm struggling to squash my boobs into a dress while wearing no make-up." Was she initially disappointed and hating her wedding? Yes. The culprit? She pointed to fake weddings (via a post from the East Side Bride).

Early in our planning I wrote about ending the quest for perfection. I was balancing my background as a events photographer with expectations for our wedding photos. I'm glad I let go and set my sights for an unscripted day (that is as unscripted as the day of a wedding or other large event/tradeshow/user group could be).

I see another culprit perpetuating the mythical perfect wedding day. Real brides. Specifically wedding graduates. So it's ok for us to be real about our frustrations with the WIC, our inability to find a ready-made community where we fit, etc. But we're not going to counter the WIC with images from our own weddings? (I'm not talking about real brides who work in industries and/or jobs where being online is frowned upon and can have negative consequences. For example, A Cupcake Wedding could not to post images and explained why.)

Let's take a look at the East Side Bride, an indie bride who believes your wedding is not a photo shoot. In her Wedding Graduate post on A Practical Wedding, she explained why two months after her wedding she hadn't posted many details or shared photos, "Part of me doesn’t want to share my wedding with the world. I think I’m afraid if I shake it too hard the glitter will fall off." (She started blogging 2/4/2008, married 8/9/2008, wrote her wedding graduate post 10/14/2008, and stated her opinion regarding photo shoots 7/21/2009.)

Do we somehow think that if people notice imperfections that what we felt during our ceremony and at our reception will disappear? Will the foundation upon which we've built our relationship crumble and our marriage will be doomed?

Seriously we need to grow up. There are too many examples of The Fairytale Wedding that didn't end in happily ever after for us to believe this. Anyone remember Princess Di? How many little girls wanted to be her? The images were perfect but as tell-all books revealed the reality was far from it.

If we're mad at photographers for only showcasing the pretty people on their websites and their blogs, why aren't we mad at ourselves? We claim to be above the influence of the WIC and in control of our day. Yet if everything isn't perfect or if there's a chance that we might shake the glitter off, we don't want to share. We need to be braver. And we need to refrain from belittling ourselves while we do so.

It's up to every bride who views herself battling the WIC to help demolish these myths. How do we do this? By consciously and carefully choosing who photographs our wedding and by focusing on the emotion not individual stills.

Miss Fancy Pants offers great advice to brides-to-be: "Instead of imagining what the photos will look like and whether or not it'll be blog-worthy, imagine the things that really matter. Imagine how in the moment you'll feel. Imagine how surrounded by love you'll be. Imagine how much love you can spread around to your partner and those who have gathered to celebrate with you. Imagine the end of the day when it's just you and your partner and you're happy that you had a wedding that genuinely reflected who you are as a couple."

While Miss Fancy Pants felt that photos wouldn't be able to capture the feelings, all the love, and the fact a wedding genuinely reflected the couple, I disagree. I think that if you follow advice from Becca of A Los Angeles Love in your search for a photographer, you can capture emotion:

• Look for a photographer who understands what's beautiful about weddings. 
• Interview photographers with a representative sample of clients (people of all sizes, colors, sexualities, and wedding styles) on their blogs.
• Prioritize respect and real human emotion and connection.

Why do I think the right photographer can capture real human emotion and connection? Why do I think it's possible to have images that reveal a wedding that genuinely reflected the couple? I think it's possible because our photographs do just that.

Our wedding is not blog worthy. If you remember that wasn't our goal. Our wedding is authentic and that was our goal.

How are you planning on dealing with an imperfect day?

Griping Guests? Not Here

As hosts and hostesses we want our guests to feel comfortable. And we worry about being bombarded with complaints and gripes (Part I, Part II, Part III). You know what I mean, but here are a few:

• They sat me in front of a speaker. By the end of the night I couldn't hear a thing!
• They sat me behind a pillar (or in another room) and I couldn't see a thing!
• They sat me at a table where I didn't know anyone.
• They didn't provide any entertainment. I was bored out of my skull.
• They only invited me to the reception. I didn't even get to see the bride in her dress!
• They made me travel all over town trying to get from one side to the other for the ceremony and then to the reception. I couldn't find parking and I missed the bride and groom being announced.
• They didn't serve us any refreshments while the wedding photos were being taken. I was parched and starving!
• The speeches went on and on and on. When I finally got to eat, the food was stone cold.

Beth Helmstetter recommends in dealing with wedding guests' gripes that brides and grooms "take some time to really focus on your guests comfort." Now I can't imagine brides and grooms not thinking about their guests, but I'm sure there are some.

Well, as a hostess and a former bride, I want to call out these anonymous guests who gripe behind the bride and groom's backs. Seriously did you think that you were invited to a wedding only so the couple can make you uncomfortable and starve you? While a wedding isn't only about the couple, why do you think it's all about you?

After hearing real brides stories about guests complaining and reading guest gripes (this is what I get for occasionally dipping into the WIC - you'd think I would have known better), I obsessed about table seating. I had nightmares about who would be in front of speakers. About whether or not guests in the balcony would be able to see everything. About whether we'd have to seat guests in another room.

I fretted over whether guests would be able to eat. I considered allergies and dietary preferences when selecting appetizers, entrées, and sides. I made light of missing RSVPs and tried multiple times to confirm whether guests could join us. I purchased extra meals and waited up until days before the wedding for RSVPs before making alternate plans.

So to all of our guests I want to say thank you. Why?

For not taking offense when we invited you last minute as we worked our way through missing RSVPs.

For understanding that even with proofreading we might misspell a name but that we didn't intentionally do so.

For forgiving us for not knowing about a girlfriend or a fiancé when we sent out our invitations and RSVP cards.

For understanding when we couldn't offer a plus one to all of our single guests.

For rearranging tables - when other guests didn't show up - so that no one was seated at a table of people they had nothing in common with or didn't know.

For not getting bored and for entertaining us with the performance of the great Salt and Pepper Shaker Caper.

For not complaining and instead acting. Especially when it came to our bar. When our bartenders served entire 24 ounce bottles of beer to individuals, you nicely asked them for two glasses and poured the beer yourself. (We were were required by permitting restrictions and by insurance to hire "professional" bartenders even though our guests have set up and run many a bar themselves.) We purchased more alcohol than BevMo had advised so we hadn't ever thought that running out was a possibility. For every guest - all 134 of you whether you drank or not - we had 3 - 12 ounce beers, 2 glasses of wine, 2 signature drinks (that was 2 shots of vodka per person), 1 Tru Blood non-alcoholic beverage, 1 non-alcoholic IZZE soda, and 1 bottled water. And we ran out of beer. Thankfully did you ball your fists and stomp your feet? No. Instead you were amazing guests. You quietly excused yourselves and returned with cases of Tecate under your arms. I don't know who you are, but I salute you.

Most of all thank you for remembering that etiquette and courtesy are not just required of the bride and groom but by all.

Losing the Time Game

It's 5:29AM and I'm not looking forward to today. Of course it doesn't help that the 5:36AM train is already a few minutes behind schedule.

Three criteria that I overlooked when I selected vendors was 1) whether or not they had weekend appointments, 2) whether or not they were easily accessible via BART, and 3) whether or not there was easy-to-find parking. These things become very important when you work about an hour and fifteen minutes from work - one way including the walk from home to the BART station, the train ride, and the walk from the BART station to the office. (We're not going to think about driving as it's the SF Giants last home series before they pack in their mitts and bats. That traffic turns a 45 minute door-to-door car ride into a variable nightmare that ranges anywhere from an hour and fifteen minutes to over two hours. Back to why location is important.)

You're going to need more appointments than you planned for. You aren't going to have enough hours in a weekday to meet with vendors. Think about it. 3 of 24 hours are spent commuting. 8 of the 21 remaining hours are spent working. So that leaves 21 hours for wedding stuff.

If a vendor is not along your commute route and not easily accessible by cab (remember to add 20 minutes at least for just trying to find a cab), it will probably be more convenient to drive. Now if your vendor doesn't have parking AND is located in a busy metropolis add 30 minutes to your schedule for the inevitable circling your going to be doing. We have 20.5 hours.

Let's add getting down the peninsula or just across town into the equation. If it's a week night, you have to contend with traffic. 4.3 miles can easily take almost half an hour to navigate. Roundtrip for a local vendor let's say an hour. We have 19.5 hours.

Appointments never seem to take less than hour. (Two with one vendor did, but she was the exception.) Hair and/or makeup trials are typically slotted for two or four hours respectively. So conservatively we have 17.5 hours free. To anyone other than a sleep walking bride (or parent of a young baby) this seems like an abundance of time. Remember though that we haven't allocated time for eating or sleeping or for hanging out with your partner.

Let's be generous and give the bride five and a half hours for sleeping (although what the bride really wants is to sleep forever). We're down to 12 hours available. If the couple's schedule align, dinner and catching up can be scheduled together. 3 hours of "downtime" - walk to local restaurant, leisurely savoring the food, sipping wine, and getting to hang out.

Ok break's over 9 hours left. We should probably have an hour for lunch. 8 hours left. We really want 2.5 extra hours of sleep so whether or not we actually get sleep we'll be thinking/dreaming about it. Deduct another 2.5 hours. 5.5 hours left if every minute is meticulously scheduled.

Anyone see why I'm not looking forward to today? I'm trying to get to work before 7AM so that I can have an hour lunch and still make it to a 6PM appointment. Right now eloping is looking mighty nice.


At the end of the day the vendors are trying to help make our day turn out as we envision. That said, I'm trying to fight becoming a bridezilla but it's becoming an uphill battle.

Perspective: Wedding Truths

Calling all hindsight brides and brides in the final weeks of planning. What are your wedding truths? Those things that you saw other brides struggle with and thought that you by planning or luck would avoid?

Here are my wedding truths:

1. You will run around like a chicken with its head cut off. No matter how much planning you do, the last three weeks before you say "I Do" are not your own. "Final" alterations will end up taking 3 times as many visits as you anticipated. Vendors will need to reschedule. You're going to inevitably double book an appointment. NOTE: Even if you plan ahead to have a clear schedule, it won't stay that way. However plan for a clear schedule so that you can deal with the unexpected.
2. Your guests are not going to RSVP by your response date. Your response date will come and go with only 50% of your guests having told you their plans. Once you forgo etiquette and send an email tickler you'll still have 20% of your guests to track down.
3. You will discover the "obvious" guest you forgot to invite just after you send out your final counts.
4. You will have at least one meltdown, probably more. Get a massage. Let your Maid/Matron/Diva of Honor take you out for drinks. Schedule a night off.
5. You will start to wonder why you didn't just elope in the first place.
6. You will long to have your life back. Regular nights in where you cook? A luxury. Closest you'll get? Take out delivered, plated, and presented by your partner.
7. You will need to rethink your final DIY projects. See #1. You aren't going to have the time you thought you were going to. NOTE: Prioritize all your DIY projects. For those you can work on early, do it. The more work you do in the planning slump, the easier your last couple of weeks will be.

Here's another question for all you hindsight brides and those brides two weeks out. What did you do to deal?

My approach so far has been to take my Maid/Matron/Diva of Honor up on her offer of whisking me away. You aren't going to be productive in meltdown mode. And you are going to need to reconnect with your friend and your life. Delegate tasks. You don't want anyone else in the crazy, but if you try and do it all you're just increasing the crazy exponentially.

Oops! Schedule Fail: Well Hello Monday

I've known for weeks that tonight I have an appointment with the lace expert to discuss my dress. Yet what did I do this morning? I left the house without my wedding dress. I remembered that I needed to drive to work today (yes the reason did actually escape me as I groggily left the house). So yes, I forgot the dress.

Now I've talked about this appointment with cubes. This weekend even. We discussed how a follow up visit might impact my Syzygryd Kitchen Prep schedule.

AND... I still FORGET the dress.

Best part about all this? The carefully scheduled post-work meeting. The getting in to work early. All for naught. I still have to use the PTO that I don't have so that I can drive BACK to the house. And then FIGHT traffic across the Bay Bridge to get to Alameda.

Seriously universe, can't you make Monday a little easier to deal with? Anyone else hate Mondays?

{Green} The Myth of a Green Wedding

You're not having a green wedding. I'm not having a green wedding. We'd all probably like to think we are, but truth is we're not.

Well ok, you might be... You might be having a super simple wedding. One where you and your groom wear clothes you already own, take public transportation (or walk or ride a bicycle), as do your local witnesses, to City Hall or your local courthouse and say "I Do." No invitations. No bouquets. No boutonnières. No travel.

Seriously though, how many couples are going to have simple, truly green weddings? There are some brides who dream of white weddings from their earliest memories. Regardless of how they label their wedding, they won't be green. They won't be eco-friendly, earth friendly, etc. Chances are guests are going to have to travel from somewhere. Chances are that you've probably been planning your wedding and making selections that include words like these:

Green. Eco-friendly. Earth Friendly. Sustainability. Organic. Handmade. Recycled. Upcycled. Rescued. Renewable. Carbon Offsets.

What do all these terms have in common? They're marketing hype.

How do I know they're hype? The eco-friendly ribbon made from recycled post-consumer waste paper I so carefully selected is Made in the Philippines. The bags made from recycled PET I selected for our Day Of survival bags are Made in China. And the affordable palm wax candles I purchased aren't made in the US. Neither are any of the renewable materials used for our paper goods.

Every one of these green products had to be shipped to me; they're not available in local stores. Those products made in China, Thailand, and Nepal traveled half way around the world. Regardless of how you look at it, that's a lot of fuel consumed in transport.

And here's a scarier thought... there's so little information around on the manufacturing process for these "green" goods. Where does the PET they're recycling come from? Hopefully not the US - that, if true, would mean the items had circled the globe before they arrived on my doorstep. Shudder.

You're being green by having a Green Registry with servingware made of bamboo? That's not really green either.

Perhaps the biggest concern about bamboo comes from the fact that it can't be sustainably grown on a large scale in North America and Europe, meaning it has to be imported from abroad. Currently 80% of the world's bamboo production comes from China, where regulatory standards for organic and sustainable production are either non-existent or largely opaque.

(Source: Guardian.co.uk)

Basically there's no such thing as being green. And it is very hard (almost impossible) to find greener products locally, especially for a couple trying to stick to a budget. When you get past the marketing hype, you'll invariably find something like this:

"[Insert Vendor Name Here] products are made in [Insert Country other than United States (or Where You're Having Your Wedding)], where hundreds of fair-wage jobs have been created."

We're trying to make greener choices for our wedding, but the more we try, the more I realize just the fact that we're having a wedding makes us eco-unfriendly.

Steps we've taken to be greener:

Venue is located near a variety of public transportation options.
Ceremony and reception are in the same venue to reduce amount of travel.
Local designers upcycled/reconstructed vintage clothes.
Local or US-based designers chosen for new clothes - corset, birdcage veil, and groom's and groomsmen's shirts.
Vintage keys, platters, cookbooks, and train cases, as well as recycled beer and wine bottles, are used for decor.
Recycled corks are used for escort card holders.
Most of our paper products are 100% "renewable" or rescued from the recycle bin.
• Unscented, dripless taper candles made from palm wax were selected for our candles.
Compostable cups made in the US were chosen for our bar.
Menu for dinner includes in-season, locally available options.
For items purchased outside of the bay area, ground shipping when available was used.
Gifts for the wedding party are made from recycled materials.

Impact of "greener" choices:

• Raw materials for our paper products were imported from Costa Rica, Thailand, or Nepal.
• Items made from recycled materials (survival bags for the wedding party, fabric for reusable snack bags, etc.) were Made in China.
• 25% of our guests are traveling via airplane to attend our wedding.
• Majority of the items purchased had to be transported.

What steps have you taken to make your wedding greener? Were you surprised to find out your "eco-friendly" items were Made in China?

Scheduling Fail

To all brides and future brides out there, enjoy your lull in planning. AND DON'T whatever you do sign up to lead/run ANYTHING MORE just because you think you have it all under control. (I think it was in this lull that I thought I could lead a Burning Man camp as well as plan a wedding and hold down a full-time job.)

Yep I'm officially freaking out - if you couldn't tell. It's not the number of days left until the wedding that has me freaked out. No it's the number of remaining weekends until the wedding. There are 20. But it's not that number that really has me hyperventilating. It's the number of weekends that aren't already claimed by something non-wedding related. Burning Man takes 2 weekends - that leaves 18. Helping load up the camp/our stuff takes 1 weekend - we're down to 17. One weekend is reserved for the Bachelorette Weekend - 16. Don't forget holiday weekends and just enjoying life - 14. Syzygryd fundraising events (1 Saturday and 1 Sunday) take out another weekend (spread across two) which leaves us 13.

Wedding counters give you this false sense of complacency. Heck I have 152 days, I've got plenty of time. When viewed in weeks and available work days then um yes "Houston We have a problem."

Stop with the perfection!

Weddings are about the couple not the industry! There shouldn't be a right or wrong. There shouldn't be this imaginary bar you have to measure up to.

Yes I know what you're going to say - you're a photographer. Happy beautiful people at beautifully staged events are your lifeblood.

Agreed. As a photographer I enjoy getting to shoot visually exciting images. When I connect with the people I'm photographing and their style clicks with mine (something I try to insure by being picky in who I chose as a client), the end result can be magical. This is probably why "wedding porn" highlights perfectly coordinated/executed DIY weddings or photo shoots. I've certainly contributed to it with my photos of All American couples in love, laughing and dancing the night away. The people I shoot/highlight are those who "look" like they're in love - I create an illusion. Also, I typically only submit photos where I've clicked with my clients and where the backgrounds aren't busy, the colors don't clash, etc.

Now... from the perspective of a bride, this perfection is nauseating. And depending on which blogs you read or communities you belong to, you can get the impression that each post is trying to outdo what was done before. Every stylist/production artist - whether a bride or professional - wants their event to be "unique" and "memorable (in a good way that is)." This perfection sets us (brides) up for disappointment if details aren't as we envisioned.

The other downside to this photographic perfection is that - at least for me - a bride doesn't want to admit she can't do it all herself. She doesn't want to include anyone more than she has to because if the result isn't perfection as the industry sees it, she doesn't want any of her friends tainted by it. Today for me, being a bride brings guilt. I want to try out every idea I have so that if I decide to scrap an idea or if an approach doesn't work, I won't have wasted my friends' time.

Years ago I had a blog "Not Trying to be Perfect." I bristle when people say your day will be "perfect." I want an unscripted day - I'm planning for emergencies/contingencies but I don't want our day to be so planned/scripted that we lack energy/spontaneity. Now, I'm not expecting perfection. (If you don't know me, let me tell you that I'm a klutz. The first night I met my best friend's now husband my beautiful brand new cocktail dress got drenched in Cosmopolitan by a coworker. At a friend's wedding a few years ago, someone else got a tray of soup dropped on them - they were sitting in my assigned seat. So I'm bringing not 1 but 2 backup reception dresses with me to my wedding reception. That way I can still be dressed to the nines and not worried about a cranberry juice stain.) I don't care that appetizers won't be on silver platters and served by butlers in white gloves. I do care that we have amazing food that will calm the beast while guests wait for our hall to transform from ceremony seating to dinner seating. I hate that I need to say catering for a family event and avoid the "W" word. One caterer with sustainably farmed, local, in season ingredients that's typically in our budget is WAAYYY outside our budget when the event is a wedding. The cost of the same food goes up. We now no longer have compostable platters or biodegradable servingware and we can't pick up the food ourselves - it has to be delivered. Additionally the catering now requires the rental of serving dishes, serving spoons, plates, and silverware. Why? Because the industry and therefore most brides demand perfection. Vendors are so afraid of getting sued or challenged on their products/services that they increase the cost to cover their "pain and suffering."

I sometimes feel like I have to apologize for choices I make. I obsess about seemingly trivial decisions. But with a wedding those trivial decisions can sometimes end up costing thousands of dollars and impacting something cubes and I really care about. So I research, and then second guess, and third guess my final decision.

Want to know my biggest fear? Why I'm hesitant to bring friends in on DIY projects? My biggest fear is that I'll be labeled a bridezilla. So... I end up withdrawing and battening down and tackling DIY projects with cubes. Maybe it's just me, but it's hard to know what's a reasonable request and what's not. It's hard to know when you're excluding friends who want to help. For this I blame the industry (and yes me when I'm in my role as events photographer). We perpetuate the illusion of perfection. And by doing so, we create bridezillas who believe it's their right to have their day as they want it - regardless of the human cost. Then the cruelest twist of fate.... we become brides and find ourselves trying to figure out how not be labeled bridezillas and lose friends.

So as an industry can we stop with the perfection? I personally follow DIY and Offbeat websites/blogs and belong to those types of communities. Not because I don't want a "traditional" wedding (we are having a very traditional Jewish wedding). But because they highlight the truth - their envisioned DIY projects - what went right and what went wrong.

To all my friends, I'm not trying to exclude you. I don't want to impose so I created DIY projects that I can do myself. I've had multiple inquiries into our first craft day. Thank you for that. I'll be sharing details soon and we'll have a crafting party (or two).

Have you found a balance between doing it all yourself and including friends? Have you found it hard to ask for help?