Authentic vs. Original

I just read Becca's post about her losing her cool (a mini-meltdown) and felt I needed to respond.

For those not yet following A Los Angeles Love, I'll summarize: Becca and her fiancée Jason are getting married this coming April. They've been planning now for about 13 months and Becca's been sharing the details, the unexpected, the stress, and the triumphs. Becca is a real bride - not one who has bought into the WIC or labels. In her post she talks about how Jason just returned from a friend's wedding and talked about what they did for escort cards. Turns out Becca had been planning on doing the "same" thing. Now this was one of the details that Becca hadn't blogged about (if you're not a bride blogger, let me explain the significance-the details you don't share are the ones that you care about the most and want to share the day of for guests and/or your groom). So Becca had a mini-meltdown and lamented about being seen as a copycat.

Now I understand the emotion. I understand the belief that people will see you as a copycat. How do I know? Because I saw a friend give her boyfriend a birthday gift - a gift that we were going to be giving to some of the boys in our wedding (of which he's one).

Note that this wasn't even a wedding (no one but me would tie the two occasions together) and I went into full "OMG I'm going to be seen as a copycat" mode. (Context: These gifts were not blogged about. I'd been trying for almost 6 months to acquire these vintage items and had just succeeded in getting the 4 I needed.) Unlike Becca I went into full on tears in front of my friends (and almost into a panic attack). In hindsight, a total overreaction. But in the moment with the stress of running our Burning Man camp it was too much.

Luckily my friends are very understanding. And luckily my bridesman came up with a solution (once he calmed me down enough to figure out why I'd burst into tears).

The gist of what he said? And how it applies to Becca? The gift/idea for escort cards is authentic. Everyone who knows you (and your guests should know you) is going to know you carefully thought about and selected the detail. And here's why original - or being first - doesn't matter. If you're authentic - that is people see you and your partner in what you're doing - no one is going to see one detail standalone. Each detail is viewed in the context of you. 

Our wedding will be original. Not all of the details will be new to our friends or to the blogsphere (we've been planning for six months and ideas that we thought we original - not on blogs - are now showing up on blogs, but we're not changing our plans). But the combination and presentation of those details will be new. 

And more important than original? We'll be authentic. Just like Becca and Jason.

So when you see your friend or coworker seemingly overreact, remind them that it's the authenticity - the unscripted moments - that makes your wedding special.

Real Brides, Real Love Stories

How do you make this thing many loving refer to as the WIC - Wedding Industrial Complex - your own? How do you avoid pressuring yourself to be "unique" or "original" when planning your wedding?

I follow the real brides. Real brides give you the backstory on how to pull together a day you'll remember. Most of us don't plan events for a living, design stationery, or work for a restaurant/caterer/winery. etc. Most of us are just regular folk trying to figure out how do I get from here (Omg... I'm engaged!) to there (I do).

Below are stories from the real brides I follow (those with an asterisk are ones I started reading after Bowie Bride's post last week). Whether they're in the midst of planning or enjoying wedded bliss, check out what they've doing (or did) to plan their wedding. And start at the beginning (it really is the best place). For convenience, the links take you to the first post of their blog.

Am I missing any of your favorites? Please share them - I love a good love story.

Real Brides who are in the Midst of Planning

• *A Cupcake Wedding (May 2010); Twitter @CupcakeWedding
• Becca at A Los Angeles Love; Twitter @ALosAngelesLove
• *Anna at Anna and the Ring (December 2010)
• *Lyn at Another Damn Wedding (September 2010); Twitter @AnotherDamn
• Jem at JEM - Aqua Bride (August 2010)
• Sondra Lee at Backyard Bride (May 2010); Twitter @BackyardBride
• *Em at Burning River Bride (May 2010)
• *Lauren at I Love You Much. (June 2010); Twitter @FiftyFootBride
• Sarah at My San Francisco Budget Wedding; Twitter @SFBudgetWedding
• *Souris Marriage (September 2010); Twitter @GoodMouseBad
• Britt at The Bowie Bride (July 2010); Twitter @BowieBride

Real Brides who are Now Married

• Sara at 2000 Dollar Budget Wedding
• *Jenn at A Bride's Brain (May 2010); Twitter @ABridesBrain
• Meg at A Practical Wedding (August 2009); Twitter @PracticalWed
• Ashley at Bride on a Budget (April 2010); Twitter @BrideonBudget (Organized by type of content now. Planning/Organization is the closest to the story of how they planned their wedding.)
• Liz at Chic on the Cheap
• Jenn at 'I Do' It Yourself (March 2010)
• Amy Jean at Relentless Bride (March 2010)
• LauraAnn at The Beginning of Forever
• Dana at The Broke-Ass Bride (May 2009); Twitter @BrokeAssBride
• Kelly at Yes, Please (October 2009)

As I was putting this post together I realized that we started this blog out in the weeds (with color choice). So over the next few Wednesdays, we're going to have a Get to Know Us feature where we go over the basics... How We Met; The Proposals; etc. If you'd like a sneak peek, check out Our Story on our wedsite.

Top 5 Things Brides Should Do to Keep It Real

From DIY Bride: Know that your wedding isn’t a competition.

"No one can be more you than you. Whatever you bring in spirit and personality to the wedding is what will, ultimately, make it unique. Focus on what makes you and your fiance the kick-ass couple that you are.

• What are your likes and loves? Quirks? Hobbies? Passions?
• What makes you tick?

As you come closer to your wedding date, think about how do we celebrate in a way that honors our unique personalities and makes our guests feel as though they’re an integral part of the importance of this day? Remember that your wedding is about you and your fiance and not about the couples/sites that are here to inspire."

From A Los Angeles Love: Details do matter. Focus on a few details, disregard the rest.

Your wedding is a process of finding beauty again at its core. Simple decor and simple efforts are enough when they honor the beauty of the day itself. Pick a few important things and disregard the rest. If you love food, focus on food. If you want a dance party, focus on your tunes. And if you want pretty details, focus on a few.

Wedding details are important because they are honoring something important, and not because of their intrinsic aesthetic. And the moment you forget that you are choosing your pieces of beauty to honor something important and not because You Need The Pretty, that's when meltdowns happen. And that's when we need to take an afternoon in the park with dogs running around, kids playing frisbee, and some freshly cut grass to remind you that it's going to be alright.

From Miss D'orsay at WeddingBee.com: Don't worry about being original.
Few of your guests are looking at nearly as many wedding blogs as you are. So what if they know your bridesmaids’ dresses have been featured in other people’s weddings on the internet!?!?

Whenever you start to worry about being unoriginal, think about authenticity. Remember this gem from Jim Jarmusch, "Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. ... Select only things to steal that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. ... Always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said, ''It's not where you take things from-it's where you take them to."

From Miss Scissors at WeddingBee.com: After the real wedding planning begins, take a hiatus from wedding inspiration sites/blogs.

Don’t lust after everyone else’s pretty and be unhappy with your own. You have more important things to do! Things like plan a wedding, graduate, launch a new product line, plan and run a Burning Man Theme Camp, and just try to be a functioning human being.

Create a section in your Google Reader for 'real bride bloggers.' You'll gain a feeling of, “Thank God. I’m not alone in being totally freaking stressed out. Weddings aren’t all ponies and rainbows all the time. It’s okay that I’m not a fairy princess.” You'll be thankful for the sanity, money, as well as time you'll save. And more importantly, you'll be able to stay true to your aesthetic, your vision, and your hopes and crazy dreams for your wedding.

From The Broke Ass Bride: Your wedding isn’t just one day. It is the beginning of your life as a married person. As a couple. As a team.

Weddings should be a celebration of your personalities, and sing with details that say something about your love.

There are no rights or wrongs in weddings, because really… who can judge what’s right for you, or the next couple?

Every couple has a different personality. A different set of priorities, or personal doctrines, by which they lead their lives. So why should your wedding be a one-size fits all, fill in the blanks script or design?

Let your wedding day serve as a reflection of and launchpad for your life, and live its lessons every day, for as long as you both shall live.